Don't day drinking of you want to rage through the night.

You will most likely end up crying by midnight and laying on your floor eating chicken and drinking sweet tea.

Don't leave your purse, keys, money, jacket, and leggings in the room that your friend is having sex in.

You'll be stuck in your housewife costume of a tiny slip stained by beer and an apron walking down the most luxurious street in Buenos Aires and you'll be stuck like that until noon.

Don't drink whiskey. (again)

You will always drink more than you should and then cry hysterically because someone nearby you is holding a knife to cut fruit and you think they're going to use it to cut you.

Don't take a nap in the middle of the day. 15 minutes before your classes.

You will not wake up until dinnertime. And you will miss three hours worth of education.

Don't fart as loud as you want in the middle of the night because you know your roommate is sleeping and won't hear.

Because you never know when your fart will actually be loud enough to wake her up. And when it is, that will be an awkward moment at 4 am that you could've easily avoided.

Don't announce to your advanced poetry workshop that you hate poetry and think it's the f'd up version of prose.

Your classmates will judge you for the rest of the semester.

Don't drink until 8am when you have a 17 hour bus ride the next day.

Don't wear a completely gold sequined skin-tight dress lined in nylon on a literally 100-degree football game day.

I know you think you're being school spirited, but what you're really doing is asking for heat exhaustion because you're basically wearing a giant body heat-retaining spanx from 10 AM to 5 PM when you finally have to go home because you're about to pass out.

Don't try to ride your bicycle while eating a Toaster Scramble

because you will run into a real estate sign, and the egg, cheese and bacon filling will start flying everywhere and get all over you and your bicycle. You will end up walking to class that morning with bits of cheese and egg all over your legs.

Don't ignore shaving your legs because your boyfriend isn't around.

You will forget about your 3-week hairy legs, put on a dress, go out, and feel disgusting when a cute boy tries to talk to you. Just shave your fucking legs you lazy monster.

Don't lie about which alcohol you like.

You will be served ridiculous amounts of whiskey because you said you "loved" it. And you will throw up in the trashcan of a janitor.

Don't show up to free drinks at 8 PM.

Because you will be drunk by 10 and end up getting your card declined after free drinks ends, but being so drunk you don't realize the bartender was being nice and let you off the hook, so you will go outside, sit in the parking lot by yourself and start crying for no reason. And then a complete stranger will sit down and talk with you about how he was having a rough night too.

And it will be embarrassing.

Don't go skinny dipping and hop from pool to pool to hot tub to pool to pool and think that no one in your 17 story condo can see you

Because they can, and those two boys you met in the hot tub earlier actually came to the beach with their parents, not their friends. They will see you from their balcony and their dad will take photographs of himself with you and your fellow skinny dipping friends below in the background.

Oh, and as a double "don't", Don't ever drink two Four Lokos in one night again, even thought this was the second time that you've done that, and after the first time you did, you told yourself and your friends "Don't drink two Four Lokos in one night".

Don't jump into a pool from the roof of a pool house that is several feet from the pool

Don't shove a mozzarella ball wrapped in 12 slices of prosciutto and try to eat it all on a full stomach for a free drink and shot

Don't sleep on a pull out couch with two other people.

Unless you like sleeping with your legs tucked under your body so that you won't be able to feel them the next morning.

Don't assume you don't need sunscreen because you've never burned before.

You will end up burning so bad that your skin will peel then the skin under that will peel AGAIN.

Don't pee in a sink urinal and tell the guy next to you "Shh... don't tell anyone. This is between me and you"

Because he will know one of your girlfriends, and he will go up to them and say "Umm... your friend was peeing next to me in the urinal..."

Don't use your cellphone to snap a picture of someone wearing something fugly unless your camera sound is off.

Don't keep asking someone if they want to have sex over and over if you don't hear a response the first time.

They're probably not responding because they either don't want to or they're on speakerphone with their family.

Don't eat McDonalds Big Breakfast with Hot Cakes and then facebook chat on your laptop

The entire keyboard and mouse pad will get greasy and smell like hash browns.

Don't use self-tanner on your feet to try and even out your Teva tan.

Don't shave your bikini line when you're drunk.

It will hurt and look like shit.

Don't put your Blackberry charger in the washing machine.

Don't cry hysterically on the phone with your best friend while trying to find food in your fridge after chugging 5 Crown & Sprites within 30 minutes

Because you will knock out the entire first shelf out of your fridge spilling food and your roommate's giant cup of Monsoon all over your kitchen floor. The next morning you'll wake up next to a cup of lemonade somehow still perfectly balanced and in tact on your bed. Then, you exit your bedroom and find out that the entire hallway is sticky. And at your final destination, you walk to the kitchen and see a mountain of half used paper towels erupting from the trashcan and a shattered jar of spaghetti sauce spilled all over the floor.

Don't chug a whole serving bowl full of gravy for $5

And then throw up afterwards while someone is holding back your braids and another person is videotaping you on their phone.

Don't get motorboated by a stripper and then makeout her

Because your friend told you to and some man in a fancy suit tells you he will pay you twenty dollars if you do. Then after you do the deed, the man never gives you the twenty dollars, yet you tell your friend that you gave said dollars to the stripper because you believed that she needed it more than you do, when in fact, you never actually got the twenty dollars in the first place.

And as a double "don't", Don't ever drink Four Lokos, again.

Don't think that the interior of your laptop is a good place to store your iPod headphones

Because when you open up your laptop to retrieve those headphones, you will find a completely cracked and destroyed laptop screen.

Don't take Russian geography.

Don't buy anything unless you really love it.

You will end up spending 3 hours somewhere and then go back the next day to return everything because you realize you look fug in that plaid shirt.

Don't lifeguard in a lake and use your cell phone as a clock.

Because I promise, you will drop it in.

Don't cheat on your boyfriend with someone who has the same name.

It gets confusing to talk about with your girlfriends.

Don't puke in a bubba keg in a popeyes and then cry about it.

Don't play The Hills drinking game with Four Loko

What is Four Loko?

Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

Extremely high abv (11/12%) caffeinated malt beverage that one ups its predecessor, Sparks both by coming in 23.5oz size and containing nearly twice the amount of alcohol. perfect for pregaming, but can easily result in blackouts and various kinds of embarrassing behavior.

Rules of The Hills drinking game

Drink whenever...

Anyone says "like" or "um"

There's awkward staring-at-each-other-in-silence scenes

Justin Bobby is wearing a hat of any sort (yes, hoods count)

There's a dramatic music montage

Spencer says "bro"

Someone's wearing a scarf despite that it's 90 degrees outside

There's a scene showing traffic

There's a scene showing anything that's totally random and has nothing to do with the so-called plot of the current episode.

You see LC's mustache

Additional rules, etc etc etc

Don't ever pee in a hotel stairwell