Friday, November 26, 2010

Don't day drinking of you want to rage through the night.

You will most likely end up crying by midnight and laying on your floor eating chicken and drinking sweet tea.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Don't leave your purse, keys, money, jacket, and leggings in the room that your friend is having sex in.

You'll be stuck in your housewife costume of a tiny slip stained by beer and an apron walking down the most luxurious street in Buenos Aires and you'll be stuck like that until noon.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Don't drink whiskey. (again)

You will always drink more than you should and then cry hysterically because someone nearby you is holding a knife to cut fruit and you think they're going to use it to cut you.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Don't wear a completely gold sequined skin-tight dress lined in nylon on a literally 100-degree football game day.

I know you think you're being school spirited, but what you're really doing is asking for heat exhaustion because you're basically wearing a giant body heat-retaining spanx from 10 AM to 5 PM when you finally have to go home because you're about to pass out.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Don't try to ride your bicycle while eating a Toaster Scramble

because you will run into a real estate sign, and the egg, cheese and bacon filling will start flying everywhere and get all over you and your bicycle. You will end up walking to class that morning with bits of cheese and egg all over your legs.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Don't ignore shaving your legs because your boyfriend isn't around.

You will forget about your 3-week hairy legs, put on a dress, go out, and feel disgusting when a cute boy tries to talk to you. Just shave your fucking legs you lazy monster.

Don't lie about which alcohol you like.

You will be served ridiculous amounts of whiskey because you said you "loved" it. And you will throw up in the trashcan of a janitor.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Don't show up to free drinks at 8 PM.

Because you will be drunk by 10 and end up getting your card declined after free drinks ends, but being so drunk you don't realize the bartender was being nice and let you off the hook, so you will go outside, sit in the parking lot by yourself and start crying for no reason. And then a complete stranger will sit down and talk with you about how he was having a rough night too.

And it will be embarrassing.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Don't go skinny dipping and hop from pool to pool to hot tub to pool to pool and think that no one in your 17 story condo can see you

Because they can, and those two boys you met in the hot tub earlier actually came to the beach with their parents, not their friends. They will see you from their balcony and their dad will take photographs of himself with you and your fellow skinny dipping friends below in the background.

Oh, and as a double "don't", Don't ever drink two Four Lokos in one night again, even thought this was the second time that you've done that, and after the first time you did, you told yourself and your friends "Don't drink two Four Lokos in one night".

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Don't sleep on a pull out couch with two other people.

Unless you like sleeping with your legs tucked under your body so that you won't be able to feel them the next morning.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Don't assume you don't need sunscreen because you've never burned before.

You will end up burning so bad that your skin will peel then the skin under that will peel AGAIN.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Don't cry hysterically on the phone with your best friend while trying to find food in your fridge after chugging 5 Crown & Sprites within 30 minutes

Because you will knock out the entire first shelf out of your fridge spilling food and your roommate's giant cup of Monsoon all over your kitchen floor. The next morning you'll wake up next to a cup of lemonade somehow still perfectly balanced and in tact on your bed. Then, you exit your bedroom and find out that the entire hallway is sticky. And at your final destination, you walk to the kitchen and see a mountain of half used paper towels erupting from the trashcan and a shattered jar of spaghetti sauce spilled all over the floor.

Don't chug a whole serving bowl full of gravy for $5

And then throw up afterwards while someone is holding back your braids and another person is videotaping you on their phone.

Don't get motorboated by a stripper and then makeout her

Because your friend told you to and some man in a fancy suit tells you he will pay you twenty dollars if you do. Then after you do the deed, the man never gives you the twenty dollars, yet you tell your friend that you gave said dollars to the stripper because you believed that she needed it more than you do, when in fact, you never actually got the twenty dollars in the first place.

And as a double "don't", Don't ever drink Four Lokos, again.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Don't think that the interior of your laptop is a good place to store your iPod headphones

Because when you open up your laptop to retrieve those headphones, you will find a completely cracked and destroyed laptop screen.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Don't buy anything unless you really love it.

You will end up spending 3 hours somewhere and then go back the next day to return everything because you realize you look fug in that plaid shirt.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don't play The Hills drinking game with Four Loko

What is Four Loko?

Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

Extremely high abv (11/12%) caffeinated malt beverage that one ups its predecessor, Sparks both by coming in 23.5oz size and containing nearly twice the amount of alcohol. perfect for pregaming, but can easily result in blackouts and various kinds of embarrassing behavior.

Rules of The Hills drinking game

Drink whenever...

Anyone says "like" or "um"

There's awkward staring-at-each-other-in-silence scenes

Justin Bobby is wearing a hat of any sort (yes, hoods count)

There's a dramatic music montage

Spencer says "bro"

Someone's wearing a scarf despite that it's 90 degrees outside

There's a scene showing traffic

There's a scene showing anything that's totally random and has nothing to do with the so-called plot of the current episode.

You see LC's mustache

Don't ever pee in a hotel stairwell