Friday, December 30, 2011

Don't pee on top of an oyster bed

Because you will fall on top of it and slice your hand open while trying to run away from neighborhood security, and as you frantically get into your friend's car with your pants halfway down your legs. You will realize you dropped your phone on the way to their car. You tell them "it's ok! We'll get it tomorrow!". After you're dropped off at their house, you run to your car and drunk drive back to the oyster bed where your phone is (You found it yay!) You think you're in perfect condition to drive home, but you blow out one of your tires during the trip and drive the rest of the way home on the tire rim. Hopefully your dad doesn't find out...

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Don't leave a cup of iced coffee unattended in your bedroom for weeks

A huge sprawl of maggots will grow and live inside of it and you will be so disgusted that instead of taking it to the dumpster to dispose of it forever, you will immediately run to the balcony of your 2nd floor apartment and throw it as far away as you can. Let's just hope your downstairs neighbor doesn't wonder why there's a maggot infested old cup of iced coffee in their backyard.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Don't lie about where you went on spring break.

People will notice when you are not tan and you said you went to the beach.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Don't agree to do the calligraphy for someone's wedding invitations for free, without first confirming how many invitations there actually are.

Because you probably haven't done calligraphy since you were in 8th grade and you don't remember how fucking strenuous it is on your hand, especially when you are doing 160 envelopes and 160 inside envelopes. Yeah, and while your friends are going out, you're sitting at home doing calligraphy.