Don't pee on top of an oyster bed

Because you will fall on top of it and slice your hand open while trying to run away from neighborhood security, and as you frantically get into your friend's car with your pants halfway down your legs. You will realize you dropped your phone on the way to their car. You tell them "it's ok! We'll get it tomorrow!". After you're dropped off at their house, you run to your car and drunk drive back to the oyster bed where your phone is (You found it yay!) You think you're in perfect condition to drive home, but you blow out one of your tires during the trip and drive the rest of the way home on the tire rim. Hopefully your dad doesn't find out...

Don't take shots of Absolut at 10am.

It will burn more than usual.

Don't leave a cup of iced coffee unattended in your bedroom for weeks

A huge sprawl of maggots will grow and live inside of it and you will be so disgusted that instead of taking it to the dumpster to dispose of it forever, you will immediately run to the balcony of your 2nd floor apartment and throw it as far away as you can. Let's just hope your downstairs neighbor doesn't wonder why there's a maggot infested old cup of iced coffee in their backyard.

Don't lie about where you went on spring break.

People will notice when you are not tan and you said you went to the beach.

Don't agree to do the calligraphy for someone's wedding invitations for free, without first confirming how many invitations there actually are.

Because you probably haven't done calligraphy since you were in 8th grade and you don't remember how fucking strenuous it is on your hand, especially when you are doing 160 envelopes and 160 inside envelopes. Yeah, and while your friends are going out, you're sitting at home doing calligraphy.

Don't forget your toothbrush, because gargling mouthwash for three days does not constitute teeth-brushing, no matter how much you lie to yourself.

Don't get into an argument when you are even slightly intoxicated, under any circumstances.

You will never, ever wake up in the morning and think that you sounded as smart as you thought you did the night before when you couldn't shut your damn mouth.

Don't try and pop your zits when they are clearly buried far, far beneath the surface of your skin.

And, continuing to peel the scab over and over again definitely doesn't help the healing process or your complexion. Open wounds are never a great look for the face.