Don't drink whiskey. (again)

You will always drink more than you should and then cry hysterically because someone nearby you is holding a knife to cut fruit and you think they're going to use it to cut you.

Don't take a nap in the middle of the day. 15 minutes before your classes.

You will not wake up until dinnertime. And you will miss three hours worth of education.

Don't fart as loud as you want in the middle of the night because you know your roommate is sleeping and won't hear.

Because you never know when your fart will actually be loud enough to wake her up. And when it is, that will be an awkward moment at 4 am that you could've easily avoided.

Don't announce to your advanced poetry workshop that you hate poetry and think it's the f'd up version of prose.

Your classmates will judge you for the rest of the semester.

Don't drink until 8am when you have a 17 hour bus ride the next day.

Don't wear a completely gold sequined skin-tight dress lined in nylon on a literally 100-degree football game day.

I know you think you're being school spirited, but what you're really doing is asking for heat exhaustion because you're basically wearing a giant body heat-retaining spanx from 10 AM to 5 PM when you finally have to go home because you're about to pass out.

Don't try to ride your bicycle while eating a Toaster Scramble

because you will run into a real estate sign, and the egg, cheese and bacon filling will start flying everywhere and get all over you and your bicycle. You will end up walking to class that morning with bits of cheese and egg all over your legs.