Don't eat a two day old Hot 'n Spicy that you found in the back of your fridge

because you will have to take multiple, back-to-back diarrhea trips to the bathroom all night long while you're trying to study for your Chemical Engineering exam.

Don't pee in the pool after you've taken Azo

because your body will produce a bright orange cloud of urine that will be extremely noticeable to anyone who is swimming in the pool with you.

Don't let your exboyfriend meet up with you at your house.

He will pop back up sooner than you wanted and then tell you he still loves you and a weird scary way and then he'll know where you live.

Don't roll a penny on your steering wheel.

You won't be able to balance the penny vertically and then you will get it caught inside the steering wheel. It will act as a connector and set off your horn for minutes at a time while you drive. You will then have to pay $90 for your dealership to dismantle your steering wheel to find the penny.

Don't pee on top of an oyster bed

Because you will fall on top of it and slice your hand open while trying to run away from neighborhood security, and as you frantically get into your friend's car with your pants halfway down your legs. You will realize you dropped your phone on the way to their car. You tell them "it's ok! We'll get it tomorrow!". After you're dropped off at their house, you run to your car and drunk drive back to the oyster bed where your phone is (You found it yay!) You think you're in perfect condition to drive home, but you blow out one of your tires during the trip and drive the rest of the way home on the tire rim. Hopefully your dad doesn't find out...

Don't take shots of Absolut at 10am.

It will burn more than usual.

Don't leave a cup of iced coffee unattended in your bedroom for weeks

A huge sprawl of maggots will grow and live inside of it and you will be so disgusted that instead of taking it to the dumpster to dispose of it forever, you will immediately run to the balcony of your 2nd floor apartment and throw it as far away as you can. Let's just hope your downstairs neighbor doesn't wonder why there's a maggot infested old cup of iced coffee in their backyard.

Don't lie about where you went on spring break.

People will notice when you are not tan and you said you went to the beach.

Don't agree to do the calligraphy for someone's wedding invitations for free, without first confirming how many invitations there actually are.

Because you probably haven't done calligraphy since you were in 8th grade and you don't remember how fucking strenuous it is on your hand, especially when you are doing 160 envelopes and 160 inside envelopes. Yeah, and while your friends are going out, you're sitting at home doing calligraphy.

Don't forget your toothbrush, because gargling mouthwash for three days does not constitute teeth-brushing, no matter how much you lie to yourself.

Don't get into an argument when you are even slightly intoxicated, under any circumstances.

You will never, ever wake up in the morning and think that you sounded as smart as you thought you did the night before when you couldn't shut your damn mouth.

Don't try and pop your zits when they are clearly buried far, far beneath the surface of your skin.

And, continuing to peel the scab over and over again definitely doesn't help the healing process or your complexion. Open wounds are never a great look for the face.

Don't day drinking of you want to rage through the night.

You will most likely end up crying by midnight and laying on your floor eating chicken and drinking sweet tea.

Don't leave your purse, keys, money, jacket, and leggings in the room that your friend is having sex in.

You'll be stuck in your housewife costume of a tiny slip stained by beer and an apron walking down the most luxurious street in Buenos Aires and you'll be stuck like that until noon.

Don't drink whiskey. (again)

You will always drink more than you should and then cry hysterically because someone nearby you is holding a knife to cut fruit and you think they're going to use it to cut you.

Don't take a nap in the middle of the day. 15 minutes before your classes.

You will not wake up until dinnertime. And you will miss three hours worth of education.

Don't fart as loud as you want in the middle of the night because you know your roommate is sleeping and won't hear.

Because you never know when your fart will actually be loud enough to wake her up. And when it is, that will be an awkward moment at 4 am that you could've easily avoided.

Don't announce to your advanced poetry workshop that you hate poetry and think it's the f'd up version of prose.

Your classmates will judge you for the rest of the semester.

Don't drink until 8am when you have a 17 hour bus ride the next day.

Don't wear a completely gold sequined skin-tight dress lined in nylon on a literally 100-degree football game day.

I know you think you're being school spirited, but what you're really doing is asking for heat exhaustion because you're basically wearing a giant body heat-retaining spanx from 10 AM to 5 PM when you finally have to go home because you're about to pass out.