Don't wear a completely gold sequined skin-tight dress lined in nylon on a literally 100-degree football game day.

I know you think you're being school spirited, but what you're really doing is asking for heat exhaustion because you're basically wearing a giant body heat-retaining spanx from 10 AM to 5 PM when you finally have to go home because you're about to pass out.

Don't try to ride your bicycle while eating a Toaster Scramble

because you will run into a real estate sign, and the egg, cheese and bacon filling will start flying everywhere and get all over you and your bicycle. You will end up walking to class that morning with bits of cheese and egg all over your legs.

Don't ignore shaving your legs because your boyfriend isn't around.

You will forget about your 3-week hairy legs, put on a dress, go out, and feel disgusting when a cute boy tries to talk to you. Just shave your fucking legs you lazy monster.

Don't lie about which alcohol you like.

You will be served ridiculous amounts of whiskey because you said you "loved" it. And you will throw up in the trashcan of a janitor.

Don't show up to free drinks at 8 PM.

Because you will be drunk by 10 and end up getting your card declined after free drinks ends, but being so drunk you don't realize the bartender was being nice and let you off the hook, so you will go outside, sit in the parking lot by yourself and start crying for no reason. And then a complete stranger will sit down and talk with you about how he was having a rough night too.

And it will be embarrassing.